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Monday, January 22, 2007

Dating in Korea: Broken Conversations

When I hang out with Koreans doing shots of Baek Se Ju: literally "100 years wine", I demand to know about Korean relationships. Please spill all!

Everyone asks "what Canadians are like," too. Those who haven't traveled abroad often reject the idea of multiculturalism and its innate variation. I especially see this in my students, who fantasize about a country where the light-eyed citizens eat steak every meal in their 10 acre backyards. My youngest students study my eyes an inch from my face.

... "What's it like to date a Korean girl?"

On the bus home from Seoul one night, I sat beside a Korean with an Australian accent. He was in his 20's, with impeccable English. He had just returned to his parents' place in Korea after 4 years as an expatriate, without one visit home. Can you imagine? It made my year here seem trivial.

Hoping to incite a reaction, I said, "life's tough for Korean men- 2 years of obligatory military service, a childhood/ adolescence of academic hell, and Korean women, who... expect so much." His face lit up. "You know a lot," he laughed. Japanese guys tease their Korean counterparts by calling them 'Kimchi men', implying the hard life.

Although things are rapidly changing, the Korean relationship is still traditional in many ways. It's uncommon to live with a boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage- probably one reason Koreans marry earlier.

I have a class studying love relationships. The only student is a shy 16 year old so it's tough to get a response. An activity instructed him to list positives and negatives in a potential partner. His positives were: "homemaking ability" (not a career woman), "how much she loves me," and "beauty." Negatives: "a smoker" and the other? "A FOREIGNER!" "Why," I grinned. "Because my parents told me so." I said, "but what if you fall in love with a foreigner?" He looked at me like that would be impossible.

I asked him what Korean women look for in a man. "Ability," "money" and "pretty man," were his responses. Oh, and "not a drinker." My students know I left my boyfriend of 3 years behind when I moved here, and they're curious about him. The first thing they ask is if he's "pretty." The emphasis on fashion in Korea makes me think that men's physical attractiveness is more imporant than it is back home. Maybe I'm naive, but personality is definitely #1 on my list.

My Korean friends explained that the women here are a challenge but deep down they like it. Yes means no, no means yes. Many expect emotional fidelity, and get angry when their boyfriend speaks to another girl. Scan couples on the street and you'll notice Korean men carrying their girlfriends' shiny little purses, doting on them insatiably.

Men are the first to initiate dating and women never say, "I love you" first. It's a given that the man foots the bill. I'd say the etiquette in North America is bill-splitting.

I've been told that women here like to be protected, can't stand being single, or alone in general. The Koreans I've known all comment how brave it was for me to move to another country. Kiju said, "Korean girls have a real problem with loneliness. But you don't, do you." I told him I don't really, and blamed it on being an only child.

One of my students: a little boy, asked for my phone number today! He's about 9. He also wanted my address. I said, "why do you want to know?" "Only you live at your apartment, teacher?" "Yes." "And you're not lonely?" "No love, I'm not." He wanted to keep me company! How cute is that?

51 comments:

Kevin said...

It's not easy dating here. I often get mixed signals and have absolutely no idea how to proceed, frustrating at times.

Eva Karrin McKinnon said...

Hey Kevin. So I read! I was somewhat inspired to write about dating, after reading your personal posts. "Sun" seems pretty keen, with the dancing and all ;o) Hang in there.

Scott said...

Yeah your student is too cute,

I'm always amazed when I meet a Korean who I've never met goes out of their way to help.

As for dating Koreans I'm sure everybodies experience is different but its seems like once it becomes serious it often becomes a problem. I mean if you're both think marriage then the parents become involved and while they might tolerated dating, It would be rare to find a Korean parent who wasn't opposed to international marriage. I met my ex-GF outside of Korea and naively she told her parents about me, at that time they were OK about it but once she returned to Korea they made their minds clear. So to the guys out there who have recently fallen in love with a Korean women I wish you luck .

Anonymous said...

My experience has been different. My current girlfriend is Korean, and she is the third person I've dated since arriving here several months ago. She was the first to say 'I love you' and although she lives at home, and has strong feelings about her Korean identity and values, she has been willing to be intimate with me. The relationship is moving fast, but I find that she isn't dependent or clingy. I'm completely happy with her because western girls can be so unromantic (attractted to disaffected bad boy types). She loves my love letters and songs and looks forward to learning my culture and teaching me about hers.

Yumi said...

I am a Korean woman who studied in Toronto b/w the age of 15 and 21 as an international student. It's so great to meet someone from Canada working in Suwon, which has been my hometown all my life.

NEway, being back here for the last 4 years and socializing with Korean people who were raised here was quite tough. All the 'older person rules' kinda perspectives made me hard to adjust to my collegues because I was already 2 years ahead(fast-tracked) of my grade.

I feel sort of relieved and had fun reading your story cuz I can somewhat agree with you about the conditions you need to have to date in Korea. There have been a lot of issues going on about a Korean show with foreign girls, where they recently invitied Korean female university students saying that they prefer tall and rich guys for marriage because they deserve them to put such an effort to do make-ups and hairs done. I can assure you that not so many girls think so when they're young, but suddenly their parents keep saying that men with financial competence will make girls happy and live 'happily ever after' when they reach the age of marriage. (I don't even understand why there is such thing as this range of age to get married.)

Do my parents say the same thing? Yes. Fortunately, they understand that I am a 'stubborn' and somewhat repellent (although I call it 'open-mindedness' to become a nice Korean girl, and they would even allow me to date foreigners. But as you know, there aren't so many parents who think that way.

NEway, I have a similar problem with dating Korean men. They expect me to have less ability (such as language skills which I already have), less money, and less social position. They expect me to happily follow their guidance, and when I don't do it I become a strong and stubborn woman who is unwise because I don't voluntarily pretend I am happy to obey him.

I would like to say it is a big cultural difference, but I have to admit that I cannot date anyone who does not understand and respect each other's....'being. period'.

Why do we need so many conditions?

p.s. just to let you know, Scott, parents in Korea tend to treat their future sons-in-law quite harsh until they get married. once you get married, it is another Korean culture that sons-in-law get hugh love and they get treated very well (we call them 'the guests who will always be adored for 100 years') even if you go through hard time, don't get too disappointed. good luck to you!

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