Dating in Korea: Broken Conversations

When I hang out with Koreans doing shots of Baek Se Ju: literally "100 years wine", I demand to know about Korean relationships. Please spill all!

Everyone asks "what Canadians are like," too. Those who haven't traveled abroad often reject the idea of multiculturalism and its innate variation. I especially see this in my students, who fantasize about a country where the light-eyed citizens eat steak every meal in their 10 acre backyards. My youngest students study my eyes an inch from my face.

... "What's it like to date a Korean girl?"

On the bus home from Seoul one night, I sat beside a Korean with an Australian accent. He was in his 20's, with impeccable English. He had just returned to his parents' place in Korea after 4 years as an expatriate, without one visit home. Can you imagine? It made my year here seem trivial.

Hoping to incite a reaction, I said, "life's tough for Korean men- 2 years of obligatory military service, a childhood/ adolescence of academic hell, and Korean women, who... expect so much." His face lit up. "You know a lot," he laughed. Japanese guys tease their Korean counterparts by calling them 'Kimchi men', implying the hard life.

Although things are rapidly changing, the Korean relationship is still traditional in many ways. It's uncommon to live with a boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage- probably one reason Koreans marry earlier.

I have a class studying love relationships. The only student is a shy 16 year old so it's tough to get a response. An activity instructed him to list positives and negatives in a potential partner. His positives were: "homemaking ability" (not a career woman), "how much she loves me," and "beauty." Negatives: "a smoker" and the other? "A FOREIGNER!" "Why," I grinned. "Because my parents told me so." I said, "but what if you fall in love with a foreigner?" He looked at me like that would be impossible.

I asked him what Korean women look for in a man. "Ability," "money" and "pretty man," were his responses. Oh, and "not a drinker." My students know I left my boyfriend of 3 years behind when I moved here, and they're curious about him. The first thing they ask is if he's "pretty." The emphasis on fashion in Korea makes me think that men's physical attractiveness is more imporant than it is back home. Maybe I'm naive, but personality is definitely #1 on my list.

My Korean friends explained that the women here are a challenge but deep down they like it. Yes means no, no means yes. Many expect emotional fidelity, and get angry when their boyfriend speaks to another girl. Scan couples on the street and you'll notice Korean men carrying their girlfriends' shiny little purses, doting on them insatiably.

Men are the first to initiate dating and women never say, "I love you" first. It's a given that the man foots the bill. I'd say the etiquette in North America is bill-splitting.

I've been told that women here like to be protected, can't stand being single, or alone in general. The Koreans I've known all comment how brave it was for me to move to another country. Kiju said, "Korean girls have a real problem with loneliness. But you don't, do you." I told him I don't really, and blamed it on being an only child.

One of my students: a little boy, asked for my phone number today! He's about 9. He also wanted my address. I said, "why do you want to know?" "Only you live at your apartment, teacher?" "Yes." "And you're not lonely?" "No love, I'm not." He wanted to keep me company! How cute is that?