Long Distance Relationships- How to "Make it Work"

One reason I deleted Facebook is, it's nice to think your significant other vanishes for the period of separation. They don't go to friends' weddings in Toronto, take a creative writing class, go bowling on Saturdays or move into a new apartment. They are just poof, gone, nothing changes and things remain the same. When I talk to Josh on the phone, we are usually in a fit of laughter like old times. You'd think I had only been gone for the weekend.

And as Josh says, "a year isn't a long time once it's over." Of course I'm entirely hypocritical. This blog must be killer for him. I post piles of photos of me mountain climbing with Min, having dinner with Hwan, playing pool with Tae Hun. Why I don't have more female Korean friends is beyond me. I want them! I have the strongest desire to sit on a patio across from a girlfriend, talking and people watching.

When Josh went to Israel last summer I was like, for heavens sakes, why does his closest travel companion have to be a girl in a little white tank top. She had a shaved head and was hot. It was horrible. She had a boyfriend but it was little consolation.

Tae Hun calls me "tomboy" and (casually pushing my lip gloss out of view) I guess I am, compared to most Korean girls. But it's no excuse, really.

This post was inspired by a recent e-mail. Western girls moving to Korea write to ask what they should pack, ie. bed sheets? deodorant? tampons? But this girl asked how I was maintaining my relationship! She's leaving a boyfriend behind and wants to know what the chances are of making it work.

I told her existing problems will surface. Long distance is no fun fair. But if it's meant to last, you'll develop a deep appreciation for them, and the ways they contribute to your life. Enough sap.

TOP 5 WAYS to "do long distance"

5. Talk on the phone regularly, but not too often- once or twice a week just so you don't have to do one of those big, annoying catch-ups.

4. Create a joint project like a website that allows you to work on/ discuss something unrelated to your separate lives.

3. Make sure you have something to look forward to. J and I are going on vacation somewhere hot and sunny, in November, when my contract is over.

2. Do sweet things for each other. I made him a slide show set to one of his favorite songs. He commissioned paintings from my Mom.

1. Confide in each other in an honest way that makes you feel close.

Lastly, don't sweat the small stuff. Enjoy life where you are because life's too short short. Josh says he's strangely confident when people ask him if we can last the year, and I feel the same way. After all we've been through, I'm sure of it.

Interview: Dating in Korea

I've been checking my Google keyword analyses. Lately my #2 search is 'dating in Korea.' So, yesterday, I interviewed a Korean friend (who shall remain nameless) about the dating world of Koreans and foreigners. Here was his response. Listen up, girls! :

Q: Why is it that Koreans have few same-sex friends?

A: typical Korean guy thinks very much like Billy Crystal from When Harry Met Sally; True friendship between a man and a woman can exist so long as there is absolutely no possibility of becoming attracted to each other.

Q: Are Korean guys generally interested in dating foreigners?

A: Now that interracial and inter-cultural marriages are becoming more and more prevalent and accepted in Korea, any reasonably minded heterosexual Korean guys would dump their existing girlfriends to go out an attractive and intelligent foreigner. Especially, when she shows a genuine interest and a deep appreciation for Korean culture, that’s a major plus.

There is a very popular TV show in Korea called, ‘Miyeodlui Suda,” meaning, ‘A chat with beautiful women.’ 20 something beautiful girls from all over the world share their thoughts and experiences regarding Korea and its people. They all speak Korean fluently. The two most sought after/searched on-line girls happen to be Canadian. Needless to day, they’re the best looking and funniest ones.

Q: You're a Korean guy. Can you give my readers (foreign girls) tips on dating in Korea?

A: Sure --

1. When a Korean guy says to you half-jokingly, “do you have an (American/ Canadian/ Australian) friend you can introduce me?” It means he likes you. Yes, they tend to beat around the bushes. They tend to be a bit shy.
2. If a Korean guy wants to “hang” with you, it means he is interested in you.
3. If a Korean guy pays for your food, he thinks you’re pretty cute.
4. If a Korean guy writes you a poem, he’s got a serious crush on you.
5. If a Korean guy invites you to his family dinner, the game’s over. Expect a proposal real soon.

*Remember though, these rules are only applicable to Korean-Korean guys, not westernized or North Americanized guys.

Q: Do you think it's possible for Americans/Canadians to really understand and fall in love with a Korean?

A: I think many foreign girls are apprehensive about dating someone from a very different culture. It's only natural. I mean, it’s hard enough to date someone from your own culture. I think there are two ways that kind of relationship can work: (1) one of them must completely assimilate into the other’s culture, and (2) they must be open-minded to find a middle ground somewhere. I personally have rarely seen a couple of the latter case.

Q: You've dated a few American girls. How was that?

A: Actually, I felt a constant pressure that I could not show any of my “Koreaness” to them. For them, being a Korean wasn’t a cool thing. I could fool them by coming off as American-born Korean guy since I have no accent. However, I’ve made a decision a while ago that I would no longer date anyone who has no interest or appreciation of my culture. As Americanized as I am, Korean culture still is a huge part of who I am.

Dating in Korea: Broken Conversations

When I hang out with Koreans doing shots of Baek Se Ju: literally "100 years wine", I demand to know about Korean relationships. Please spill all!

Everyone asks "what Canadians are like," too. Those who haven't traveled abroad often reject the idea of multiculturalism and its innate variation. I especially see this in my students, who fantasize about a country where the light-eyed citizens eat steak every meal in their 10 acre backyards. My youngest students study my eyes an inch from my face.

... "What's it like to date a Korean girl?"

On the bus home from Seoul one night, I sat beside a Korean with an Australian accent. He was in his 20's, with impeccable English. He had just returned to his parents' place in Korea after 4 years as an expatriate, without one visit home. Can you imagine? It made my year here seem trivial.

Hoping to incite a reaction, I said, "life's tough for Korean men- 2 years of obligatory military service, a childhood/ adolescence of academic hell, and Korean women, who... expect so much." His face lit up. "You know a lot," he laughed. Japanese guys tease their Korean counterparts by calling them 'Kimchi men', implying the hard life.

Although things are rapidly changing, the Korean relationship is still traditional in many ways. It's uncommon to live with a boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage- probably one reason Koreans marry earlier.

I have a class studying love relationships. The only student is a shy 16 year old so it's tough to get a response. An activity instructed him to list positives and negatives in a potential partner. His positives were: "homemaking ability" (not a career woman), "how much she loves me," and "beauty." Negatives: "a smoker" and the other? "A FOREIGNER!" "Why," I grinned. "Because my parents told me so." I said, "but what if you fall in love with a foreigner?" He looked at me like that would be impossible.

I asked him what Korean women look for in a man. "Ability," "money" and "pretty man," were his responses. Oh, and "not a drinker." My students know I left my boyfriend of 3 years behind when I moved here, and they're curious about him. The first thing they ask is if he's "pretty." The emphasis on fashion in Korea makes me think that men's physical attractiveness is more imporant than it is back home. Maybe I'm naive, but personality is definitely #1 on my list.

My Korean friends explained that the women here are a challenge but deep down they like it. Yes means no, no means yes. Many expect emotional fidelity, and get angry when their boyfriend speaks to another girl. Scan couples on the street and you'll notice Korean men carrying their girlfriends' shiny little purses, doting on them insatiably.

Men are the first to initiate dating and women never say, "I love you" first. It's a given that the man foots the bill. I'd say the etiquette in North America is bill-splitting.

I've been told that women here like to be protected, can't stand being single, or alone in general. The Koreans I've known all comment how brave it was for me to move to another country. Kiju said, "Korean girls have a real problem with loneliness. But you don't, do you." I told him I don't really, and blamed it on being an only child.

One of my students: a little boy, asked for my phone number today! He's about 9. He also wanted my address. I said, "why do you want to know?" "Only you live at your apartment, teacher?" "Yes." "And you're not lonely?" "No love, I'm not." He wanted to keep me company! How cute is that?